Dioramarama
Nothing goes together better than open flame and tinder-dry felt. And that’s why we’ve made adorable felt dioramas for our candles to live in. (Well, that, and we couldn’t agree on how to display them in our home. JD wanted to put them on the mantle to try and sell them to our friends. Kate wanted to hide them in the basement along with the rest of our shameful secrets, and this was our compromise.)
NOTE: The dioramas are not for sale, except in the sense that everything in this world is for sale, for the right price.
The Theodore Roosevelt Scented Candle
If you’re in the woods and you bump into Teddy Roosevelt, the good news is he’s probably hunting and there are no bears, wolves, or other dangerous predators left nearby. The bad news is that he’s running out of things to hunt that aren’t you.
This is our worst-selling candle. What is wrong with the world that people prefer slick Beltway politicians like George Washington or Abraham Lincoln to hardworking pirates who are just trying to earn an honest doubloon?
We are not making fun of boxed wine. We are making fun of people who make fun of boxed wine. Boxed wine is superior to bottled wine in every respect except, perhaps, flavor. And let’s face it: If you were picking your beverage based primarily on flavor, you’d be having hot chocolate.
The George Washington-Scented Candle
We love the cherry tree story because it’s all about the importance of not lying, even though it itself is a lie. So the real lesson here is that it’s totally fine to lie. Thanks, President Washington!
The Justin Trudeau-Scented Candle
A lot of Americans assume that the Canadian National Igloo where Parliament meets is a big, palatial igloo with hundreds of rooms, corridors and chambers. But nope. Canadians are not showy and it’s just a humble igloo.
Having this diorama on our wall is the next best thing to actually riding a train to Delaware.
At some point we might add a tiny felt Richard Nixon, sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial at 4am trying to chat up college students. And after that we’ll have to add a tiny felt Mark Felt, therein fulfilling our destiny.
Fun, true-life fact: That thing in the background is not actually the Kremlin! It’s just a few pieces of felt glued together.
Homeland! You’ve been the first to light a star of progress and peace over the Earth. Glory to science, glory to labor! Glory to the Trump regime!
The Impeachment-Scented Candle
We actually think impeachment proceedings against President Trump would create a highly volatile situation, since the Breitbarts of the world would call it a coup d’etat. But it would be justified, appropriate, and less dangerous than letting someone like Trump retain control of the nuclear launch codes.
The lasers, camera, and so forth are what’s known as “security theater.” They might make you feel safe. But if Defective Candle wants to get out, it’s going to get out.