New Candle Explosion
Don’t worry: We don’t mean a literal explosion. Our candles have never once exploded.
(Unless they exploded so catastrophically that no one lived to tell the tale. In which case, I suppose they could be exploding on a daily basis. Our candle safety advice is usually “don’t leave a lit candle unattended,” but if they’re prone to sudden, gigantic explosions, the best safety advice is probably “light it...and then run!”
Or maybe “don’t light it.”
Or even “don’t buy it.” But I digress.)
I’m talking, of course, about a figurative explosion. Like an “an explosion of interest in astrology,” or “an explosion of acne,” but for candles.
Intrigued? No? Well, you might as well look at the photos anyhow, because it’s better than checking Facebook and seeing boring photos of your niece. (AGAIN.)
Speaking of kids, did you know that kids are going to grow up to hate you and anyone else old enough to be reading this, because we left them a world of increasingly desperate conflict over dwindling resources such as “potable water,” “food,” and “regions where humans can live”? It’s pretty depressing. And honestly, I couldn’t even tell you who the market for this candle is. People who like to be depressed? I dunno, man. I dunno. In any event, we give a portion of the proceeds to organizations working to fight climate change, and we’re buying carbon offsets for all the candles we sell.
A good friend who works in roofing assured us that this candle does, in fact, smell kind of like tar. So if you’re looking to have your home smell less like whatever it smells like, and more like tar, look no further! Or I guess just buy $22 worth of tar and pour it into your central heating vents.
I am from St. Louis, and therefore we live in St. Louis, because people from St. Louis like to return home to reproduce, like eels. So, we made a St. Louis candle. We’ll make a candle based on your city, too, if you buy us a house there. (But it has to be a nice house. Don’t cheap out now, when you’re on the verge of getting a candle based on your city.)
The most important thing to know about this candle is that I made the tiny wax White House look like the building that the British burned down in 1814, rather than the one that exists today. If you buy this candle then maybe you can use that factoid to win a bet, or get out of a tight jam.
Now, before you say, “Wouldn’t Comrade Sanders want to nationalize JD and Kate Industries and put the means of candle production in the hands of the workers,” let me assure you that Bernie has said he does NOT want a society “where the government owns every mom-and-pop store.” And Kate and I are a mom and pop, technically.
(And Bernie, if you’re reading this, FYI the CEO of Yankee Candle’s parent company has an annual salary of more than $20,000,000. JUST SAYING.)
One of the problems with having a Democratic presidential field of more than 20 candidates is that it helps Trump complete his transformation of this country into a autocratic, illiberal democracy in the mode of Hungary or Poland. Another is that it’s very hard for us to know which candidates to make candles for. So we’re just making candles for whomever Kate is excited about at the moment. And right now, Kate is excited about Pete Buttigieg! Get on the Pete Buttigieg wagon, with Kate!
Nancy Pelosi puts up with a lot, and she deserves to have her own candle. Really, she deserves a lot more than just her own candle, but the only thing we make is candles. Sorry, Nancy Pelosi!