Are you tired of buying candles online only to have your neighbors steal them off your porch because you weren’t home when they arrived? Has your spouse told you not to put any more candles on the mantelpiece because it is sagging under the weight of all of that heavy, heavy wax? Are you working to free yourself from the physical world and ascend to a purely digital existence where you and your candles can never die?
Let us introduce you to the latest in bleeding-edge candle technology: The Downloadable Candle.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE DOWNLOADABLE CANDLE
Q: Is it environmentally friendly?
A: Well, it’s more environmentally friendly than a normal candle. Especially if you don’t print it out.
Q: Does the Downloadable Candle make a good gift?
A: It is the best kind of gift: The kind that is inexpensive and can be bought at the last possible second. (You meant “Is it a good gift for me to purchase,” rather than “Is it a good gift for someone to receive,” right?)
Q: Can I return the Downloadable Candle if it is not what I expected?
A: I mean, what exactly were you expecting?
Q: It's called a “Downloadable Candle,” but once I download it and print it out, can't I just photocopy it and give it away to a bunch of people?
A: You’re going to look pretty stupid if you try to pass off a photocopied candle as a downloadable candle. But if you don’t mind having your wedding guests think you’re stupid, then by all means, go ahead.
Q: Is this a joke?
A: If you mean, “Are you actually going to take my money in return for a downloadable candle,” then no, it is not a joke. We are serious as a heart attack about taking your money.
-
NOTE: If you need help assembling the Downloadble Candle, we have made this instructional video: