Ulysses S. Grant Scented Candle

Do you want to smell former president Ulysses S. Grant? Of course you do—we all do. But now your dream can become a terrifying reality, with the Ulysses S. Grant-Scented Candle.

Over the years, Grant’s reputation has been unfairly tarnished by rival generals, political opponents, and pro-Confederate historians. And now it’s up to you to defend him, by chucking candles at those people. (You will have to buy a lot of candles though, and carry them around with you in a wheelbarrow.)

But the Ulysses S. Grant-Scented Candle is more than just a ranged weapon. Light it, and it will fill your room with the sweet, earthy scent of tobacco—almost as if Ulysses S. Grant were there himself, chain-smoking cigars in your living room. (You specifically asked him not to smoke inside the house, but he is pretending he didn’t hear you.)